Visual Artist Cruz on Creative Blocks and Mental Health

Q&ASpotlightMusic

Mar 13

☆ By Fatima Aamir ☆

BEGINNING TO FEEL RESTLESS — visual artist and film photographer Cruz was unable to rent studios in order to shoot portraits as the pandemic raged on in Toronto. "I asked myself, how can I reuse my existing stuff so I can make more art from one or two photos?" Given the precarious state of the world, she found herself interested in sustainable artistic practice. "I was just grabbing different materials from my apartment,” she says. “Then I saw a bunch of old polaroids that I was actually keeping when I was in elementary school — for some reason, I kept them all these years, and I guess I just started collaging. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," she laughs, adding, "It's cool to experiment. It's cool to get out of your comfort zone."

Still, Cruz is candid about her struggles. When the lockdown first began, she went through a breakup that left her in a depressive slump. "I stopped doing a lot of creative stuff from February to August — I was just numb,” she explains. “My relationship had gotten to a point where I lost myself, so I took that whole period to find myself. I went on a psychedelic trip in the summer that sparked my creativity again, and I felt confident in doing things and being vulnerable with my art, and now I've just been at it non-stop."

Photography has been in Cruz's family even before she was born. Her grandpa owned a photo studio back home in the Philippines, and though he passed away before Cruz got to meet him, her dad and elder sister passed on those technical skills. "In high school, we had a photography class where we could go into the darkroom to develop photos, and I started to take more of an interest in it." Cruz eventually ended up pursuing a specialization in image arts at university.

After graduating, she had her professional start in the world of digital photography, shooting editorial-style portraits for a range of clients. "But then I started travelling again, and I started taking film photos again,” she says. “I took an interest in street photography and developed a knack for shooting a lot of negative space." These experiences reignited her passion for the analog medium. "I feel more connected with my work when it’s film rather than when it's digital. I don't feel the subject through a digital camera lens."

With hundreds of travel photos in her film archive, Cruz felt the itch to do something with them. "I'm a very emotional person. I go through a lot of things, and I feel things very intensely,” she explains, “and one of my coping mechanisms has always been writing. I was looking through my old notebooks and laptops and I was like, shit … I've got all these notes I've been compiling for the past, like, three years or something. So I started experimenting and started making zines."

The vulnerability of those early zines informs her current work, furthering the sense of openness Cruz depicts. Despite her unwavering smile and laid-back demeanour, she is open about her struggles with mental health and wants to share those experiences unapologetically with audiences. "I've been trying to be more of a mental health advocate recently, especially since I was diagnosed with BPD back in the summertime,” she says. “I've been trying to go on podcasts and just kind of spread awareness on mental health — especially BPD — because it's not really talked about." Having recently begun therapy, Cruz stresses its value, even for people who don't see themselves as struggling. "I think everyone should look into it, because they basically teach you regular human things that we as humans tend to forget,” she elaborates. “There are always things running through our minds; our minds never shut up — at least mine never fucking does — but yeah, it kind of teaches you to slow that down and to dissect whatever's going through your head."

To expand other’s recognition of mental health and its challenges, Cruz is currently participating in the "Raising Mental Health Awareness" series on the Speak Up Erika podcast. "I really want to talk about going through mental health problems as a creative because [with] the community that I see in Toronto, I don't see many people talking about it." The series has given Cruz and her partner a platform to chat with host Erika Roldan about what it's like being a creative in the GTA while struggling with mental health. "It's not only depression and anxiety we're talking about — we're talking about other things that people get uncomfortable talking about, especially as an artist,” she says. “If you're in the arts, you're working with emotion, so why is nobody talking about their own emotions?"

Sometimes, to cope with her own emotions, Cruz turns the camera onto herself. "I only do self-portraits when I'm kind of at my lowest point," she admits. "I was so hesitant to post my first one, but I'm not the type of person who can front — I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and just showing that emotion … I think being vulnerable helps me. It's one of my coping mechanisms. It's kind of a reminder of: ‘Oh, this is how sad you were!’” Facing herself at her lowest moments and choosing to practice self-acceptance and compassion helps Cruz move forward with grace.

When reflecting on what advice she'd give to younger creatives, Cruz is transparent about finances. "It costs a lot — you need equipment, studio, models. If you want to shoot outdoors, you need permits. I've met a few people who had to keep their full-time job for a couple of years,” she explains. “Before you make the decision to do this full-time, make sure you have some savings. I know someone who saved up at least $20k to quit their job and finally pursue their career." Cruz herself is often reluctant to fully tie her creative practice to income. "There was a point in my life where I didn't want to call myself a photographer because I thought I didn't deserve it,” she admits. “Obviously, I'm older now — I think I'm confident enough to say that yes, I'm an artist, and this is what I do, and it is a source of income, but yeah, I don't know if it's going to be a career."

That being said, Cruz is not slowing the momentum. Her first project following her recent creative rut centers around a poem she wrote on acid during the summer. "It's called ‘Sex and Pools of Honey.’ The project includes photos, a zine, and also a video. It's not done yet, but it'll be my first solo exhibition." Following that, she hopes to create work that transcends her personal experiences and nurtures a space where her subjects too can be vulnerable. "I want to create a photo series and interview people with BPD and how that affects any sort of relationship they have, whether it be intimate or platonic." Cruz doesn't feel the need to rush it, though. In addition to the pandemic's restrictions, she wants to think carefully about how to show the emotions of her subjects in an authentic and powerful manner. "I don't know how I'm going to photograph them just yet, but yeah, that's one project I wouldn't limit to just myself."

There are also a number of artist collaborations in the works. Cruz is working with a jeweler from Toronto and two other artists, one of whom happens to be her partner. "My partner, who is an advocate for the deaf and hard of hearing, is working with me to create a flipbook of ASL affirmations. I'm just trying to expand my skills — it's fun learning different mediums." She admits it took some time for her to let go of the reins and experiment alongside others. "Even just two years ago, I disliked collaborating with people so much," she laughs. "It's because I'm so hard-headed — I have to do it my way. But I think because I've seen — it's such a touchy subject — but sometimes there's no sense of community with Toronto and with artists." She explains that everyone seems to have their tribe already, which is something she wants to challenge. "I can't do that overnight, but the artists I'm collaborating with can help with that too,” she says. “I want to set the mood for younger emerging artists in Toronto, to be like, ‘Hey, you could, like, fucking work with literally anyone who has a kind soul.’ I do want to uplift the artist community. I do think collaboration is important, because if you wanna be in the community, you're gonna have to collaborate one way or another."

Cruz is also a co-host for a comedy podcast called the Creating Strong Ties Podcast, where their goal is to feed their community through visual, audible and sustainable mediums. Each podcast also has a mental health portion where they chat more about all things mental health. While it can get intimidating at times, Cruz has no qualms about her pursuits. "I think it's so cool being an artist, because people resonate with you,” she shares. “If you’re feeling like nobody's hearing you when you share your work? People hear you."

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“I want to set the mood for younger emerging artists in Toronto, to be like, ‘Hey, you could, like, fucking work with literally anyone who has a kind soul.’ I do want to uplift the artist community. I do think collaboration is important, because if you wanna be in the community, you're gonna have to collaborate one way or another." - Cruz ⭐️ 🎞Allowing themself to take a more vulnerable & meaningful approach with their work, photographer Cruz is combining her creative talent with her passion for mental health advocacy. Read more about this incredible artist & how quarantine shifted her work + about the work they are doing for the community in our feature on the site now 💞